I was drivin’ down the highway in my Mercury When I saw a pretty thing cruisin’ next to me She was tall and thin and her face was cute and she said, “Come to my place and we’ll knock some boots.” I said, “Sorry baby but you’re not my type. Above your head is perfect but your body ain’t ripe. Your headlights are small and you’re too damn thin I need something soft to put my face in.” Motorboatin’ I like boobies yes indeed Because you can’t motorboat her personality I Know some guys who like it when their baby’s got back And I like that too, if she’s got a big rack Some men prefer legs that go on for days But I prefer some body parts that jiggle and sway It doesn’t even matter if she’s kinda plump But her belly can’t bigger than her lady lumps Fake or real, it’s all the same to me The bigger the better, at least triple D Motorboatin’ I like boobies yes indeed I’d probably even like ‘em When they’re reaching your knees (Solo?) Motorboatin’ I love boobies yes indeed I’d probably even like ‘em If they were on me.

Oh When I woke up late this morning I closed my eyes ‘cause the sun was so bright And Through a pounding headache I tried To remember what I did last night But when I got up to take a piddle Right smack dab in the middle Of my bed, an unfamiliar head Oh god, who did I do? But then my heart subsides when I realize I’m sleeping off my hangover with you Oh As I staggered down the hallway My memories start flooding in Like talking to the toilet bowl While relinquishing my scotch and gin I can’t believe the things that I said What the fuck was running through my head I told your boss there was no Holocaust Seems I forgot he’s a Jew But when I make a mess you give me tenderness And so I’m sleeping off my hangover with you I’m sorry I came onto your sister I’m sorry that I hit on your mother I’m sorry I made out with your best friend And I’m sorry that I slept with your brother A guy bumped into me and spilled my drink And so I punched him square in the face He hit his head on the coffee table Now he’s bleeding all over the place And then I heard the sirens roar Then came a pounding on my front door The cops will take me away if I don’t go to AA Maybe I should lay off the booze But, Yeah right, I‘ll drink tomorrow night And then I’m sleeping off my hangover with you

Your wife just left you, she took to kids Because you lost your dead end job And no one’s ever gonna love you again ‘Cause you’re a fat, pathetic slob So since you’re feeling down in the dumps And you don’t know what to do I’ll take you out and buy you a beer And give some advice to you You could put a pistol to your head Pull the trigger, then you’re dead Put your neck into a noose Or Overdose from drug abuse Take a pill of cyanide Or burn your body ‘til you’re fried There’s lots of different ways to die You could grab a knife and lacerate Your carotid artery You’ll soon bleed out and meet your maker It’s as simple as can be Or you could lay in the bath, take an iron And plug it into the wall Drop it in, the water will sizzle And your skin will begin to crawl Or you could beat your skull with a baseball bat Hit it hard to make it splat Start your car behind the door You’ll fall asleep and never sore Autoerotic asphyxiation It’s even better than masturbation Now that’s one hell of a way to die Man, I’m gonna miss you When you take your own life But since you can’t take her with you Can I sleep with your wife? So just throw your body from a tower People do it every hour Throw your body from the docks You’ll be a stone in concrete socks It doesn’t matter what you desire ‘Cause either way you’ll soon expire So pick a fucking way to die.

Cyberspace is boring to me I think I’ve seen all there is to see I’ve looked at all the pron And I’ve gotten every spam I’ve bought every item on eBay There’s one thing on my mind But I doubt that I will find But man it’d really make my day I wish that I could download a pie I wish that I could download a pie Pumpkin, cherry, boysenberry, open your mouth wide Download a pie, download a pie, download a pie It’s a virtual online bakery You can order pies sweet or savory A chicken pot pie or a nice lemon meringue Just click and it shows up on your keys It’s always open source, so just have a second course And have whatever you please My pants need more bandwidth ‘Cause my partition’s getting FAT Because I had too many megabytes My hard drive’s overloaded My stomach has exploded From those culinary delights Streaming pastry on the internet As always What You See Is What You Get An apple for your Mac A blackberry for your phone And cool them on the sills of your Windows The launch date is set for pietorrent.net So make sure to wear loose clothes

Sleep baby sleep Although you’re not yet born Sleep baby sleep The womb will keep you warm That is unless By accident Your mother dies early And you’re left to ferment Like pickled brine But she won’t, so you’re fine So Sleep Baby Sleep How blessed be thy birth Sleep baby sleep Until you see the earth That is unless So you won’t affix Your mother ingests RU – 486 the aBortion pill then your heart will be still So sleep baby sleep Although you are prenatal Sleep baby sleep Your end might not be fatal That is unless Against natural law She sucks out your body Like milk a straw And then you’re gone But she’ll get knocked up before too long

Since I was a young man I’ve sailed the ocean blue But I haven’t had a decent fuck Since 1862 With a wife as dry as sea salt Well, what’s a man to do Especially when he has chosen Such an ugly crew One day my wife was whipping All her pirate slaves A screechin’ and a wailin’ “Fer all ye scury knaves.” Then she accidentally hit me Oh what a sting it gave But when I looked into her eyes I knew I best behave I’ll struggle for you if you want me to Beat me ‘til I’m black and blue Crush my balls with the heel of your shoe I’ll do anything that you tell me to do At first we started slowly And tried some candle wax She dug her nails into the flesh Up and down my back But I knew if I protest too much She just give me a smack And I’ll never get my sweet release When we’re in the sack She tied me to a harness Complete with ball and gag She whispered softly in my ear You’re such a dirty fag Then she rummaged through the contents Of a bulky velvet bag When she produced a strap-on That would make a stallion brag When I see her smoking My palms begin to sweat Because I know she’ll use my skin To snuff her cigarette. She puts some clamps upon my nipples Clamps them very tight And then begins to twist them roughly Much to my delight She dresses me from head to toe In her finest leathers She drags me ‘round by means of leash Whenever we’re together She demands that I wear women’s clothes Panties and fishnets She wants me to wear latex though It hasn’t been invented yet My wife is now my mistress My master and my boss Some people might consider this a Large and grievous loss But it derives a pleasure I could never get across So please excuse me while I lick Her boots a satin gloss

Yesterday I saw a girl I used to know Thought that I’d go over just to say hello We started talkin’ ‘bout our teenage years Our lame-ass teachers and our stupid peers And then we start rippin’ on all the old geeks The math team nerds and the star trek freaks And then with a boisterous laugh she said to me Remember that guy with the hairy ass crack We bet it went all the way up his back I wonder how hairy his balls would be Wait a minute, that guy was me.

Baby, I don’t wanna take you hand Baby, I don’t wanna be your man Baby, I don’t wanna hold you tight Baby, I don’t wanna spend the night I don’t wanna be your everything I’m not your dream come true But if you’d be so kind just to oblige me there’s One thing that I’d like to do I just want my penis in you. Baby, I don’t wanna go to prom Baby, I don’t wanna meet your mom Baby, I don’t wanna go to the mall Baby, I just want ya to suck my balls But when you gave me your sweet peach And I went to taste the dew It was full of open sores with runny, yellow goo. On second thought I don’t think I want to put my penis in you

I’m stuck here in Folsom Prison And time keeps draggin’ on My heart keeps dreamin’ ‘bout my baby Even though she’s now long gone I’m crying ‘cause I’m so lonely And I don’t know what to do I guess I’ll have to burn the daylight hours By finding a stud to screw Sodomy, Sodom-you I’ll Sodom-do anything that you want me to do I’m looking for my Casanova But all I can do is hope That he might take advantage of me When I drop my bar of soap Last night a guard bent me over And searched me without consent It would have been better with some KY ‘Cause ketchup makes a bad lubricant My cellmate he done and sold me For whatever he could get Who know that my little body Was only worth a pack of cigarettes Tomorrow I’m leaving Folsom Prison And moving far away from here I think that I might go to San Francisco To be with all the other queers

Every good womanizer needs a wingman But the guy who talks to me is my friend Steve Late last night I met a woman at a party Whose true amount of beauty man could not conceive I said, “Hey, girl, why don’t you come up for some coffee?” And Steve says, “Sorry, but we ran out of cream.” She said, “That’s alright. I have a meeting in the morning.” The simple minded bastard makes me want to scream He’s a real cockblocker It’s all his fault I never get laid I wish that I could say that it all ended there But the bluing of my testicles had just begun Every time I got a girl to my apartment Steve would bust in and ruin all of my fun He’d say, “I’m sorry, but I accidently threw away your condoms.” Or “How many roofies did you want in her wine?” Or “I’m glad to see your gonorrhea’s finally cleared up.” Or “You wife called saying dinner’s ready by nine.” It’s not like he tries He just can’t socialize That doesn’t change the fact I want his skull cracked It’s been five years since I last saw Steve When I was drowning my sorrows in the back of a bar When I noticed a figure I would never forget But man, can I tell you that he’s come really far He was chatting up the hottest looking woman in the place And as I sauntered on over I suppressed my smirk “Is this the one with the huge, fuckin’ knockers?” She kicked him in the balls and she screamed, “You Jerk!” Now I’m a real cockblocker It’s all my fault he didn’t get laid

A muse is hard to capture So when it hits, I do I'll scrawl upon a napkin and food containers too So when I draft a funny shtick I pray that it will stick But I write the lyrics I write the lyrics I write the lyrics that I forget My tongue gets tied and heavy Whenever I try to think It probably doesn't help much that I've had a lot to drink Is that the next line, maybe...nah um, La La La My brain is like a strainer that's Made of the coarsest mesh the Only thing Kind about an Absent mind is my jokes are always fresh I don't have all the answers but sometimes that isn't quite true I'll solve the countries problems with a powerful line or two like "The only thing that we need is xvzbcje."

You go out to the bar with all your friends We all know hot it is gonna end They go home with a guy And leave you high and dry Why do they score and not you You get dolled up to show ‘em what you got You think you look like quite an ample pot But when you met someone All they do is run What is it you can’t see Why can’t you tell that you are fat How can you not possibly see that It’s a fact that everyone knows That you shouldn’t wear such tight clothes I’m surprised that you waste band doesn’t snap The stretch lines on your arms looks like a map You have a triple chin That you hide things in And you waddle where ever you go Your back boobs are bigger than the front A guy could use your fat rolls as a cunt You’ve got dimples for knees Your butt’s like cottage cheese And your hips won’t fit through the door Why can’t you tell that you are fat How can you not possibly see that One day you might get to screw With a guy who likes SSBBW You swear that you are gonna exercise But that won’t stop the rubbing between your thighs You swear your gonna watch what you eat But that still won’t allow you to see you feet You swear that you are gonna watch your weight Abut that ain’t gonna help you get a date Why can’t you tell that you are fat How can you not possibly see that I know that I’m fat too But it’s not about me, it’s about you

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I’m chilling in my crib I’m hangin’ in da hood Doin’ what I want Not the shit that I should I’m quite a’ight with being blunted all day Or tippin’ a 40 at an illin’ partay I cruise in ma benz Wid ma grill fulla bling Flashin’ ma benjamins And sippin’ some lean I’m poppin’ ma tags And sportin’ my kicks Cause that’s just how I roll I’m such a balla That all the freaky hoes always holla I’ll grab your bone, take you home And you can slam my ba-daka-donk I’m scratchin’ some wax I’m droppin’ dope beats Ya know I’m the tightest Sound in the streets I ain’t playin’ y’ know what I’m sayin’ Cause that’s just how I roll. Wannabes Make me wanna shout “Cracka Please!” Posers be wack Homies watch my back And I’ll bust a cap in their ass. I’m bailin’ town Cause I’m on the down low Don’t wanna run in Wid the fuckin’ popo Cause I don’t wanna be down on death row. And that’s just how I roll.