Since I was a young man
I’ve sailed the ocean blue
But I haven’t had a decent fuck
Since 1862
With a wife as dry as sea salt
Well, what’s a man to do
Especially when he has chosen
Such an ugly crew

One day my wife was whipping
All her pirate slaves
A screechin’ and a wailin’
“Fer all ye scury knaves.”
Then she accidentally hit me
Oh what a sting it gave
But when I looked into her eyes
I knew I best behave

I’ll struggle for you if you want me to
Beat me ‘til I’m black and blue
Crush my balls with the heel of your shoe
I’ll do anything that you tell me to do

At first we started slowly
And tried some candle wax
She dug her nails into the flesh
Up and down my back
But I knew if I protest too much
She just give me a smack
And I’ll never get my sweet release
When we’re in the sack

She tied me to a harness
Complete with ball and gag
She whispered softly in my ear
You’re such a dirty fag
Then she rummaged through the contents
Of a bulky velvet bag
When she produced a strap-on
That would make a stallion brag

When I see her smoking
My palms begin to sweat
Because I know she’ll use my skin
To snuff her cigarette.
She puts some clamps upon my nipples
Clamps them very tight
And then begins to twist them roughly
Much to my delight

She dresses me from head to toe
In her finest leathers
She drags me ‘round by means of leash
Whenever we’re together
She demands that I wear women’s clothes
Panties and fishnets
She wants me to wear latex though
It hasn’t been invented yet

My wife is now my mistress
My master and my boss
Some people might consider this
a Large and grievous loss
But it derives a pleasure
I could never get across
So please excuse me while I lick
Her boots a satin gloss