Your wife just left you, she took to kids
Because you lost your dead end job
And no one’s ever gonna love you again
‘Cause you’re a fat, pathetic slob
So since you’re feeling down in the dumps
And you don’t know what to do
I’ll take you out and buy you a beer
And give some advice to you

You could put a pistol to your head
Pull the trigger, then you’re dead
Put your neck into a noose
Or Overdose from drug abuse
Take a pill of cyanide
Or burn your body ‘til you’re fried
There’s lots of different ways to die

You could grab a knife and lacerate
Your carotid artery
You’ll soon bleed out and meet your maker
It’s as simple as can be
Or you could lay in the bath, take an iron
And plug it into the wall
Drop it in, the water will sizzle
And your skin will begin to crawl

Or you could beat your skull with a baseball bat
Hit it hard to make it splat
Start your car behind the door
You’ll fall asleep and never sore
Autoerotic asphyxiation
It’s even better than masturbation
Now that’s one hell of a way to die

Man, I’m gonna miss you
When you take your own life
But since you can’t take her with you
Can I sleep with your wife?

So just throw your body from a tower
People do it every hour
Throw your body from the docks
You’ll be a stone in concrete socks
It doesn’t matter what you desire
‘Cause either way you’ll soon expire
So pick a fucking way to die.